the drug

spend a lot of time thinking about why i race. why i ride is easy, why i race is a tough one... but it came to me on sunday as i grinded-up appalacian gap in the slush, a friend laughing from his car window, skis on top. i saw him again 5mins later at the base of mad river glen and stopped. he laughed said that my 23c tires should "cut through the ice and snow like knives" up higher on the pass. they did not. point is, i'm happiest when climbing the biggest hill and i finally figured out why. drugs. drugs pouring from my brain into my body, spurring me on to get it done, a buzz only outdone by the feeling one gets when finishing a race. at least a race in which you didn't get your ass kicked. ive always known about the drugs, but only the other day realized i was fully under their grasp... learning you're an addict, a junkie! is tough to accept.

i put a lot of time (and effort i guess) and some money into acquiring this buzz. what's funny is that before racing it cost me about $200 for an old beater mtbike i'd ride 10m to work and some clothes to do it in. with racing it's about being competitive and that takes a good sponsor and a pocket full of benjamins.

with the season approaching and i no where near form, i begin to wonder if the buzz of the race, the lack of walking around money, etc, is worth it. is it worth racing when i got all this great riding out the door? problem is, eventually, the snows will melt and the urge will be unstoppable... for now i can wonder and pretend that i can quit this drug anytime i want. doubt does that to you.

jenn told me this morning i could ride the century to her sister's next wknd. i nodded appreciately all the while thinking, "whew!, now i don't have to beg like a dog!"